Its Been Awhile

I haven't posted on this blog in a LONG time. I need to seriously update this. My marriage is not going any better. In fact worse. There is a constant cycle of abuse now that at times gets totally and completely suffocating. I am now making the decision to start looking for help. Help in counseling to repair the damage he has done. Counseling to regain my self esteem, and myself in general. I am looking to be able to file for divorce in Feburary. So that we hopefully are divorced by next christmas. I hear all the awesome songs out there right now about love and how this man loves his woman and all that and I wonder to myself. Why can't I have that? Then my friends say, that it isn't me, its my husband that is slowly and at times viciously sucking who I AM out from me. I don't want this person to be me. I want to be happy. Maybe one day have the utter devotion of a man that loves and adores me and I am treated the way that God has intended men to treat women. I have been told, that I am a beautiful woman and a GOOOD man will find me. I am not so sure I want that good man to find me. I am now scared of committed relationships.